Monday, October 24, 2011
I'm practicing
So that last post was a smidge bitchy. Its been a rough weekend for various reasons and I've not been all that pleasant to be around.
I wish I could be bitchier in real life to be honest. I've had a couple of people in the past few weeks remark about what a "Southern Belle" I am, at least in the sense that I can be too nice. I've found that in being too nice, you become something of a liar and question avoider. Like a politician or a car salesman.
Someone asks "does this jelly doughnut make me look fat" and you say "hell no, jelly is good for you, all that...gelatin stuff...um, er, it has vitamins you know, good for the skin." But then again, you can't really say "dude, you are a total lard ass, and that jelly doughnut is not going to help matters". The easier answer is the first one and then we can all move on.
And so it goes. You say appropriate niceties to avoid conflict and hurt feelings. Unless you have an anonymous online persona. And then you can bitch about business names and what people choose to name their children. Ain't life funny?
I wish I could be bitchier in real life to be honest. I've had a couple of people in the past few weeks remark about what a "Southern Belle" I am, at least in the sense that I can be too nice. I've found that in being too nice, you become something of a liar and question avoider. Like a politician or a car salesman.
Someone asks "does this jelly doughnut make me look fat" and you say "hell no, jelly is good for you, all that...gelatin stuff...um, er, it has vitamins you know, good for the skin." But then again, you can't really say "dude, you are a total lard ass, and that jelly doughnut is not going to help matters". The easier answer is the first one and then we can all move on.
And so it goes. You say appropriate niceties to avoid conflict and hurt feelings. Unless you have an anonymous online persona. And then you can bitch about business names and what people choose to name their children. Ain't life funny?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
not that they asked for my opinion but...
Sometimes I overhear or see something and it sticks with me like an annoying popcorn kernel in my tooth. Like...
Peace, Love and Bright Shiny Things.
xoxo,
Bella
- If you have a business that is supposed to be creative in nature, come up with a more creative name than "So and So's Creative Designs". That name sucks.
- Also, if you have more than one child, don't name them something that when said together makes people want to gag while watching a Disney movie. This one is for you, lady with the kids named "Ariel" and "Serenity".
Peace, Love and Bright Shiny Things.
xoxo,
Bella
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
sleep and willpower
I'm wanting something tonight.
One is sleep because I am so tired I can't even see straight. And as a matter of fact, my inability to function properly today caused me to end up in the men's restroom at work. I am in such a fog lately. I love my kid to death but damn, I am so glad that I only have one. Long boring parenting story. But this is the only time I have to post anything so I will groggily proceed.
Another is willpower. I've kept up with my running since May but I have not lost a pound and it is so discouraging. Sure, I know its all about what you eat, even more so than exercise and I eat crap a lot of the time. But when I do eat right for a period of time I still get no results so I say fuck it, gimme that cupcake since it doesn't seem to matter anyway. Ugh. Its a stupid cycle and I hate it. I'm so unhappy with my body but can't seem to dig deep enough to change it.
I could add many more things to this list. Confidence, courage, organizational skills, gumption, the ability to turn back time, ambition, a hot fuck in a parking garage, patience, contentment, a guilt free bowl of ice cream fer christ's sake, blah blah blah.
Sidenote: if the neighbors fucking dachshunds wake up my kid I am going to hurt somebody.
As has been my day, this post is scattered, pissy and rambling and has no point really. But that's alright. I'm going to go eat a cookie and then to bed for me.
xoxo,
Bella
One is sleep because I am so tired I can't even see straight. And as a matter of fact, my inability to function properly today caused me to end up in the men's restroom at work. I am in such a fog lately. I love my kid to death but damn, I am so glad that I only have one. Long boring parenting story. But this is the only time I have to post anything so I will groggily proceed.
Another is willpower. I've kept up with my running since May but I have not lost a pound and it is so discouraging. Sure, I know its all about what you eat, even more so than exercise and I eat crap a lot of the time. But when I do eat right for a period of time I still get no results so I say fuck it, gimme that cupcake since it doesn't seem to matter anyway. Ugh. Its a stupid cycle and I hate it. I'm so unhappy with my body but can't seem to dig deep enough to change it.
I could add many more things to this list. Confidence, courage, organizational skills, gumption, the ability to turn back time, ambition, a hot fuck in a parking garage, patience, contentment, a guilt free bowl of ice cream fer christ's sake, blah blah blah.
Sidenote: if the neighbors fucking dachshunds wake up my kid I am going to hurt somebody.
As has been my day, this post is scattered, pissy and rambling and has no point really. But that's alright. I'm going to go eat a cookie and then to bed for me.
xoxo,
Bella
Thursday, October 6, 2011
As a parent...
I'm having one of many frustrating nights. One day I'll tell you all about it. Right now I just want to kick and scream and stop feeling guilty for having regrets and get some fucking sleep.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
stoplight flush
Today at a stoplight I caught the eye of an attractive man.
I looked, he was looking, I looked away and then back, he was still looking, we held the glance, I felt my legs go hot and weak, I flushed. And then the damn light turned green and I had to turn while he went straight.
Its been a while since I've had a stranger make my blood rush like that and cause the butterflies to flutter in my tummy. It was nice. I didn't realize how much I've missed that feeling.
I looked, he was looking, I looked away and then back, he was still looking, we held the glance, I felt my legs go hot and weak, I flushed. And then the damn light turned green and I had to turn while he went straight.
Its been a while since I've had a stranger make my blood rush like that and cause the butterflies to flutter in my tummy. It was nice. I didn't realize how much I've missed that feeling.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
breasts undercover
Mr. Man and I had great sex tonight. Porn on the tv, a position that we hadn't used in a while and some dirty talk. I do like variety after all.
After he finished, I lay back and enjoyed his hands between my legs and his kisses down my side. This photo was taken as I was laying on my tummy under the covers, basking in post orgasm recovery mode.
Life with sex and the man you love is good.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
There's no crying in baseball!!!
But there is crying in a sub/Dom relationship apparently. As you know if you have read C-Man's account of our time in Boston. I have struggled with how or even if to write about this and I'm not sure I will be successful even now after it's been several weeks.
The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was having...it was real and new, and a very big issue for me.
The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.
A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.
Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.
The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.
xoxo,
Bella
The conflict I had with playtime in Boston was this...I went there on a very close family member's dime...a family member who would be crushed, heartbroken, shocked, sickened, saddened and all other manner of bad things if they knew about my life as Bella. There would be time with this family member to bond and explore the city and we were both looking forward to it very much. And yet, C-Man lived within driving distance and knows the city and it was a perfect opportunity to see him as well. An opportunity that seemed a shame to let go to waste. So I was at war with myself on how to have these two lives cross in such close proximity to each other. I would have to be Bella during part of my time in Boston and then quickly switch to the girl this family member knows and loves so very much, the good girl. I wasn't sure I could handle the mental conflict and the closer the trip came, the more difficult I found the thought of that to be. As C-Man said, I made the decision not to play a few days before. I realize it wasn't fair to waffle on C-Man like that but this conflict I was having...it was real and new, and a very big issue for me.
The points C-Man makes in his post about Jake are valid ones. But not ones that I will address in this post. That is a whole other topic and had no bearing on my inner struggle or the fact that I became a teary hot mess during playtime. I fully intended to stand strong and not even kiss, much less fuck C-Man. These intentions were in place right up to the point when he was in my room. But then he was right there. Close to me. Touching me. And dammit, I am weak.
A switch was most definitely thrown inside me as well and I changed to full-on Bella mode, his plaything, putty in his hands so to speak, meant to be controlled and most willing to comply. There is a place in my mind that craves to be dominated, used in some way, controlled by someone I trust not to harm me or go too far. The more C-Man and I delve into this somewhat new and scary realm, the deeper the emotional ramifications. And thus my tears. The tears were suddenly rolling down my face, smearing my mascara and surprising both of us.
Many things were going through my mind that probably contributed to this emotional release. I was mad at myself for doing what I was doing when I had told myself that I most certainly wouldn't. I was a bit angry that he was angry that I hadn't wanted to and yet here he was, "forcing" his cock into my mouth. But I DID want to. And that made me angry and confused as well. I wanted to let go of the stuff going on in my head and just release it all, lose myself in the role of the sub and let the chips (and tears) fall.
The end result was a new level of feeling, a new level of conflict even. Said family member actually met C-Man and loved him, as is our blogger friend's general effect on people. The chasm between my two lives widened and I feel the strain of maintaining these opposite sides of myself a bit more than before. I feel like there must be some sort of breaking point eventually and that scares me. I don't know how to reconcile this Jekyl and Hyde thing I've got going on. No clue. Honestly, the real me is closer to Bella than the Good Girl, but Bella would break too many of my loved ones hearts. And so I persist in the Good Girl role for them and in the Bella role for you and myself.
xoxo,
Bella
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