I got nuthin

I've considered deleting this blog many times over the past several days but have always stopped just short of clicking the button. I don't know why, its not like I have anything new to say. I guess I hope to feel like writing again sometime and want this outlet to be here when I do.

Until then.
xoxo,
Bella

i know i'm being ridonkulus

Disclaimer: There's nothing one bit sexy in this post. So move along if that's why you're here. This is simply me bitching. Again.

What's it called when you know you're acting like a lunatic but keep doing it anyway? Oh yeah, being a crazy bitch. Although, if the saying is true that legit crazy people don't think they're crazy, then I'm as sane as fuck.

Not being able to run is consuming me as the date grows closer to what was supposed to be my first 1/2 marathon with friends. I keep torturing myself and I cannot stop reading running blogs. I am compelled to lurk and stab myself in the heart repeatedly when I read about plans for others running together and how fucking epic it will be blah blah blah. Fuck all of them. It was supposed to be me goddammit. ME. I feel like I've been cheated. That something has been stolen from me. That each and every runner I read about, talk to, or see on the road is personally taunting me. The fact that I will not be running with my friends, one in particular, is like a slap in the face. A twist of the knife. Over and over again. Face it Bella, this race is going to happen. Right.Under.Your.Nose. On.Your.Turf. Without you. And you hate it. I think I might go crazy with jealously. I don't want the date to come, I want to skip it altogether. The knot in my stomach when I think about it is proof. I feel physically ill over it and it is tainting relationships. Tainting good times that are supposed to happen because I can't get it out of my head. And if one more person tells me "you'll be back at it before you know it" I am going to punch them in the face. I know I say that a lot, that I'm going to punch someone, but I swear to god...I'm just so...angry. Unreasonably angry over this.

See? Ridonkulus. Fuck.

waking up angry

That's never fun is it? To wake up wanting to punch someone in the face I mean.

How bad?

You just don't want it bad enough.

That was said to me tonight and its not the first time those exact words have been directed at me. I think it can apply to many different situations. If you want something bad enough, you figure out a way to get it, right? Is that always true? I mean, lets be real, some things just aren't possible are they? Some people try and try and do everything within their power to get what they want and it just never happens for them. Or to them. But if you don't try you're guaranteeing failure. And yet, the fear of failure is what keeps many people from trying. Its totally fucked up if you think about it too hard. (Which I never do, can you tell?)

this kind of scares me

I've been doing a lot of self analyzing lately. I do this periodically and while I don't necessarily like it, it seems to just...overtake my brain and I have all these questions about myself whirling around in my noggin. New emotions and realizations that I'm trying to come to terms with. I actually hesitated to write this post because it all seems a bit corny and melodramatic during the day. But at late hours of the night my head feels more free to write about such navel gazing issues.

I struggle with many things and must learn to focus more on my strengths rather than my weaknesses. Being a natural cynic, that's hard for me to do.

Here's a stream of consciousness taste of Bella Crazybrain....self confidence would be nice, i've gained and then lost a lot of that over the past few years, why do i care what people think so much, to the point of compromising myself even, i swear to god i was brainwashed as a child and can't shake it, why am i even writing this stupid post, but its not stupid if that's how you feel, ok good point but why air all your shit to the entire internet, is this some sort of therapy for you, you can't even stream of consciousness write without self filtering, on your own fucking anonymous blog, you have serious issues, perhaps therapy is in order, why are you so indecisive, you like this one minute, oh wait no you don't, changed your mind, why do you do that, you should just stop the madness immediately and retreat back into your safe good girl bubble where you don't do anything crazy or even think anything crazy, boring but your shot at getting into heaven would probably increase tenfold, damn religion, you have so many blessings so stop bitching all the time, where is your motivation these days, you are just as good as they are, stop procrastinating, just fucking do it and stop thinking so much, you have to stop letting others define you, be you and fuck the rest, stop being such a pussy, you used to be ambitious, driven, now you're wishy washy, weak, a complete trainwreck of duality, hey i like that one, a complete trainwreck of duality, just had to write it again, actually its more than duality its more like a multifaceted trainwreck but that doesn't have the same ring to it, what the hell, sidetracked by terminology, and on and on i could go but i will spare you.

And that's just the surface stuff, the stuff I let myself say. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Fuck it, I'm going back to sleep.