in which I get all Psychology Today on your asses

We all know how important sex is to a relationship. I mean, we are a community of sex bloggers after all. I suppose its my analytical nature, but sometimes I think about the psychology of sex, the thought processes behind it, why we do what we do, think what we think, want what we want, why did this situation end negatively and this one positively, etc, etc, good gawd I make myself sick.

A question for the men. Do you equate the amount of non-sexual intimacy given to your partner equal to the amount of actual sex you feel you should be having? By "non-sexual intimacy" I mean that mushy-gushy stuff your wife/partner loves, i.e., hand-holding, hugs, saying "i love you", giving an unsolicited rub of the shoulders, cuddling on the couch, just being close.

If it is generally true that the amount of sex decreases with marriage*, does it not also follow that the amount of non-sexual intimacy also decreases? And that raises yet another question...does the amount of non-sexual intimacy decline in a long term relationship and if so, which came first, the decline in said non-sexual intimacy or the decline in the actual sex? Is there an expectation, by the man, that he should be receiving more sex the more non-sexual intimacy that he gives his partner? Does he feel "owed" something for showing his affection for his partner in non-sexual ways? Does he have an agenda of sorts, even if that is subconsciously? Does he even think about this shit or is it just me? Don't answer that.

*I'm not saying it does, but I do agree that sex does change with marriage...the sexual shift as discussed in this article.

For me personally, the more non-sexual intimacy I receive (AND give), the more sex I want, and the more favorably I view it. Another way to put this is, the closer I feel to Mr. Man, the more I want to fuck him. On the other hand, I don't feel that I owe him sex that night just because he showed me affection during the day. Its not a bank account situation where he deposits a few minutes of hand-holding with one fuck to be cashed out later. (And I'm not saying he does this, by the way.) Its more of a cumulative thing, the closer I feel to Mr. Man overall, the more sex I want to have, overall. "Overall" being the key word there, if you didn't notice.

Side note that just occurred to me...For either gender, does sex = intimacy? I think it does sometimes but not EVERY time. And maybe it does more often for the male? Slam bam thank you ma'am sex does not intimacy make, in my opinion, although there is definitely a time and place for that. Which goes along with the fact that there are different types of sex, the quickie, the romantic, etc. Sex can serve as intimacy but doesn't have to. End side note before my brain explodes.

I know this isn't a revolutionary topic and each person's perspective depends on their individual experiences, but you know what would be really cool? If a male would candidly write about this from his point of view. And a gazillion thoughtful males probably have, but I've been too busy analyzing something ad nauseam to notice.

And now, my overtaxed brain must rest. In a non-sexually intimate way. Because I just wanted to use that phrase one last time.

Har har. Peace out.
xoxo,
Bella

my ass and some words

Dammit, I hate it when I think of good stuff to post here and as soon as I sit in front of the computer its whoosh, bye bye brain, and I can't remember any of it.

Mr. Man and I have several nights out planned over the next few weeks. And by "planned" I mean that we have lined up a babysitter but have no idea what we're going to do yet. We keep asking each other, "so, what are we gonna do on our date nights?" Only to answer, "I dunno." Ha. We are so decisive. Regardless, it will be nice to go out and act like semi-cool adults and not like tired middle-aged (are the 30s considered middle-aged?) people with a kid. And somebody please bitch slap me if we end up at Target buying princess pull-ups or Disney movies.

You know what was super nice this week? Meeting a friend of a friend and being able to talk about kink with another female. That's something I don't get to do often. Its nice to relate to someone face to face who you find attractive, fabulous, and open. There should be more people like that in my life. 

For the record, the Bella-Meter score is an 8.5 today. Mr. Buzzy (aka, my rabbit vibe) and I had intimate relations earlier. Also, here's a picture of my ass.

Twitter Love

I'm now (or should I say, again) on Twitter.

Follow me if you'd like.

@NotTHATBella

Meaning, my name has nothing to do with vampires, although I have been known to bite, but that's another story.

straddling the fence

One of the things I love most about New York City is how you can be surrounded by millions of people but still retain the highest sense of anonymity. As the product of a small town, this was painfully NOT the case for me growing up. From birth till about senior year of high school, I didn't really know any better. I just assumed that's the way it was and was used to everyone knowing what I was doing, where I was supposed to be and when I was supposed to be there, and reporting questionable behavior to my parents. Not that there was any of the later since I was "brainwashed" into being a goody-two-shoes and never gave my parents much grief. Until that senior year in high school and I started thinking for myself a bit more.

I suppose being a goody-two-shoes isn't such a bad thing as a child and adolescent, but when the expectations of others encroach upon an adult figuring out things for themselves and exploring who they really are and who they want to be, then I think it becomes a problem. It has for me even to this day and I'm in my mid-thirties. The more I come to realize (with the help of therapy and more exposure to people and things different from my youth) just how much of an inner conflict my years of childhood and early adolescence have caused my adult self, it makes me increasingly sad and compounds my feeling of loneliness and mental turmoil. 

In its simplest form, the conflict is this...my parents (and others close to me in my "former" life) have expectations of me that they assume I am/will pass along to my own child. These are based on a strict, very conservative religious background and beliefs that they assume I still hold true. The problem is that I am not sure that I do, pretty sure I don't actually. Yet my hesitation in cutting ties with these beliefs is the question that constantly looms over my head..."what if they are RIGHT?" What if I go my own way and I screw up badly? Not only myself, but my precious child? And so I feel confined and continue to play the role of obedient and faithful daughter in their presence while letting what I feel is a truer version of myself show on this blog and with certain trusted friends, etc. Its a double life that wears on me and causes a great deal of stress and angst.

To be clear, I love my parents with all my heart and they are good people. It would break their hearts to know their daughter isn't who they think she is or should be. This both angers and saddens me. So I continue to straddle the fence of good Christian girl who is a Devil in bed and other choice places. Its easy to say "hey Bella, grow a pair and do your own thing, you're a grown woman for fucks sake!" I say this to myself all the time, trust me. The roadblock is twofold...the question above, "what if they're right?", and not wanting to crush my parents and cause them grief.

Another thought that just occurred to me...its not like I want to reveal all to the family...I don't feel the need to tell them about my lifestyle choices or that I like to be spanked or any of the stuff you lucky readers are privy to here. That would just be weird and unnecessary. I just want to feel freer to explore other options in spirituality without feeling like they have doomed me to hell. To not feel like I have to hide the liqueur when they come over, to stop feeling guilty if I'm not warming a pew in church every Sunday morning (or ANY Sunday morning).

Its ridiculous really, this fence straddling thing I'm doing. And yet, I can't seem to commit fully to either side.

xoxo,
Bella
 

Alone & aloof tonight

the "bella-meter"

It occurred to me yesterday as I was looking back at blog posts, that just a few posts back I'd talked about how Mr. Man and I were in a good sexual place and then viola, I pulled the ol' switcheroo on you and discussed how I'd prefer a root canal to a cock in my panties.

Well, I am here to tell you today that I am now in the middle of those two. Meaning, I would not be averse to a man's hands on me, and MIGHT even enjoy it if he indulged me in at least 15 minutes of foreplay before taking the plunge. Chocolate and wine would also not be declined.

I have invented (in my mind because that's where all the fun stuff happens) the Bella-Meter. A simple cock shaped device with a scale of 1-10 on it that will indicate to any and all lovers in my life the current state of my sex drive/desire. 1 = I will CUT you if you so much as THINK about touching me. 10 = I have fucked you in my head 34 times within the past hour, get naked NOW. Today the Bella-Meter is at a 6. Now, I just need some engineering guru to come up with a prototype...

And on behalf of fickle, indecisive, moody, and otherwise cray cray women everywhere, I would like to apologize. No wonder we drive men to drink excessively. Good Lord.

bullet style

• I'm glad I didn't delete this blog. I came so close to doing just that. But as a friend told me today, I will be glad that its here as an outlet for me, even if I take breaks from it sometimes. 
• Its been a melancholy day and I've been tearful for much of it. 
• I got the greatest text today. I want to frame it and keep it for always. It said, "Somewhere in an alternate universe, you and I are fucking the shit out of each other right now. In Paris." Romantic? Not so much. Perfect words for me at the perfect time? Most definitely.
• I've spent some time tonight perusing your lovely sexy dirrrrrrty blogs and wow, there is so much I want to read! Who has the time?!?!
• I miss Mr. Man. I want him to come in here right now and hug me and hold me and tell me he loves me and isn't mad at me. I want to feel connected to him again. Ugh. Sometimes real life sucks. 

Bella's new look

I gave the blog a little facelift. I hope you like it. Change is good. Especially in a hot red dress.
xoxo,
Bella

hold me but don't confine me

I probably should not have cancelled my shrink appointment for tomorrow. But sometimes you just don't feel like or don't think you can handle spilling your guts when you know (or suspect) what you're going to hear in response. My issues are the same as they've been for months and I know what her advice is to me. Journal, communicate in a more productive manner, and stop beating yourself up all the time. Solid feedback, no doubt, but I can't handle it tomorrow. I just can't.

Things are strained in a few aspects of my life right now and I feel like I'm in some sort of hole that I'm trying to claw my way out of. I was thinking tonight that what I'd really like is a solid and steady pair of arms around me to just sink into. I don't want to talk about it, I just want to sit or lie down and be cuddled and held tightly. Its been ages since that's happened. How sad is that?

My libido is nil these days and I feel horribly for Mr. Man, but in all fairness, its no party for me either. I am seriously considering seeing my doctor about it. I am pretty sure its a mental thing, although I suppose it could be medication related as well. My interest level is non-existent. It's not a personal thing against Mr. Man at all, but I know it has to feel that way to him. There are my usual body image and depression issues, but I don't know if those are the root cause or if they just exacerbate other problems. In my own analysis I wonder if its a lack of non-sexual intimacy that I crave and need to jump start the sexual portion. See above paragraph. Its frustrating for all parties, whatever the reason. And I love the irony of writing on my sex blog about my lack of desire for sex. Oh Universe, you are a conniving and subtle bitch.

In other news, I reached a nice sense of closure with C-man today. He has finally accepted that he and I are not meant to have the sort of relationship that he'd like and has moved on. And I mean REALLY moved on, with a new play partner even. Thank the Universe. He seems truly happy with how that is going and we were able to have a nice, long and openly honest conversation about it today. I'd often thought about how I'd feel if and when he began playing with someone else. I'm happy to report that my initial reaction remains the same, even after having time to digest this new information. Relieved, happy for him, and free from guilt. I wondered if I'd be jealous and thankfully, I am not. I never liked nor wanted to be his "one and only" play partner, it was too much pressure, too much anxiety for my liking. I always worried about hurting his feelings if I hung out with or flirted with someone else, much less posted pictures of me taken by or with someone else, and it was more annoying and irritating than a serious fear. Now I feel that I can actually talk to him more freely and without any expectations. Or not, if we so choose. It's liberating in a way that is hard to explain. Just take my word for it, this news is a good thing for both he and I.

That's it for tonight folks.
xoxo,
Bella

Falling out of my dress

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE DROID

vagueisms

Be honest. You glanced at that title and saw "vaginas" didn't you? Pervs, all of you.

I just backspaced away the beginnings of a post that was going nowhere. I should be asleep but I tend to do this, avoid slumber for no good reason other than I must really like being exhausted the next day. I make no sense to myself.

Mr. Man and I broke in the spreader bar the other night. We had a different kind of sex, for us. We explored some Dom/sub play and it was very odd. I'm not sure it can work. It was very weird for me and I didn't like how it made me feel, emotionally speaking. I'm still trying to sort things out in my head and he and I need to have a follow up discussion, that is for certain.

In related news, the sub/Dom and all other things sexual with C-man would appear to be officially over. I mentioned this last time I know but it wasn't as final as it now seems to be. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it when it finally happened, closing that chapter I mean. But I am doing well with it and am at peace with it. I feel like it's the right thing. I hope he feels the same, although I think it more likely that he feels that he didn't have a choice or much say in the matter. We remain on speaking terms but in an awkward, overly friendly sort of way. He was a very important person in my sexual journey, but a chapter that has now closed.

I was confronted in person the other day by ExBF's wife. I think I mentioned the drama with that in a prior post but I'm too tired to find it now. It caught me completely off guard. I'm not sure that situation is over yet. I feel somewhat violated and wary now. It wasn't at all a violent interaction but more of an awkward about face on her part. Very very strange.

I worry that I will always be searching for who I am as a sexual being. Forever trying to find my place in the unstable world of...whatever it is I'm searching for. I can't even articulate what I mean here. Can you tell? Ha.This is going to be a post I reread tomorrow and say What The Fuck?

Oh, I got a new tattoo this past weekend. Rawk. 

And now, sleep.
xoxo,
Bella